... a question on the XLR out. The transformer is 2 wire in, 2 wire out. the examples I've found show a ground reference for the output side of the XLR. Is that ground ...
That ground is the chassis of your amp/preamp/device.
But if you want it to not hum, you also need to understand how to make your amp
safely incorporate a ground-lift:
Throughout your amp, there should be no place where ground is connected to the chassis; the
circuit ground should be a ground buss isolated from the chassis (which means using plastic jacks, or metal jacks with insulaters to prevent contact to the chassis). The 3rd wire of the power cord should be firmly bolted to the chassis, for safety and to allow tripping a circuit breaker if there is a short to the chassis. You should have a SPST ground lift switch which connects to the chassis ground bolt on 1 terminal, and to your circuit ground buss (probably at the main filter cap and/or PT high voltage center-tap) on the other terminal. Place a 0.01uF 1kV cap and a 51Ω 1/2-1w resistor between the 2 terminals of the SPST switch.
What happens is if you flip the ground-lift switch such that the terminals are connected, your circuit ground is connected to chassis and to the power cord 3rd wire; this kills noise when no other devices are connected. When the ground-lift switch is flipped so the terminals are not shorted, the resistor and cap are between circuit ground and chassis ground; if you have your amp connected to other amps/devices with their own 3-wire power cord, this arrangement prevents ground current from circulating through the connecting cables, and defeats ground-loop buzz/hum when there would otherwise be circulating ground currents.
With all of the above, you would still allow the XLR output jack to contact the chassis, and connect its ground pin to the XLR shell/chassis ground. This keeps the jackplate (and metal-shell XLR connectors) at ground potential.
You will find a proper ground-lift results in the least noise when circuit ground is connected to chassis ground when you play through the device on its own, but the least noise usually in ground-lift when connected to other devices with their own 3-wire power cords.